Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
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You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
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I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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