My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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