We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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