i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
