I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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