Moan for me like Helen Keller
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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