all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
