Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
