in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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