I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
