Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
