If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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