I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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