I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Randomize
