honey bunches of taint.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
This is my gift to your gina
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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