my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
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according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
me + whiskey = a bad person
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Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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