ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
