Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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