I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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