were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
