Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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