Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
