I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
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Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
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I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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