My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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