I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
