my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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