ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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