Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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