It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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