remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
