i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
