cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
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A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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