So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
