My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Semen is not good for contacts.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
