Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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