Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
