I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
