I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
