I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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