I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
