How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
