This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
