How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
