I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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