im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
