I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
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And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
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I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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