ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I would ride that face into the sunset
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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