We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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