She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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