No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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