Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
