And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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