the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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