the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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