I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
