i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i think im in europe. pls send help
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
